how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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