did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
