He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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