Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
