Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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