He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
