Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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