Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize