I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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