whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
