Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
