My cat gives me a boner
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Randomize
