i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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