the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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