My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
