Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
