everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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