Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
