I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
