dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
