i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
