Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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