Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
