The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
