In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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