he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
