some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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