Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
