girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
