How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I can't put those talents on a resume
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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