Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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