I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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