Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
