there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
