the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
