You just made me feel so damn special
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
