Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
