he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
