I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
