she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
