guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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