Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Actions speak louder than pants.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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