I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
