and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
