just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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