He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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