Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
