His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
