There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
