New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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