That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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