I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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