So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
