her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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