i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
