I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
