oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
