Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
