mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
