So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize