Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
