I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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