Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
