yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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